A couple of years ago I bought a car with satellite radio potential. Since my own humble opinion is that Austin has the worst radio of any major city I've ever been in, I signed up for the satellite and never looked back.
What has this to do with anything? Well, aside from discovering Diane Rehm, who is (again in my humble opinion) the single greatest interviewer I have ever encountered, I get to listen to programs like "On Point," Tom Ashbrook's fabulous program. Yesterday he and his guests were talking about "Trigger Warnings," a topic very close to my heart.
http://onpoint.wbur.org
For the past seventeen years or so - who keeps track? - I have taught Human Sexuality at The University of Texas at Austin. Over a thousand upper-division undergraduates come into and out of my life every year, and I am sure I learn far more than they do.
Naturally, when the subject is Human Sexuality, we are bound to encounter "triggers" in the purest sense of the term: technically, a trigger is a stimulus of any type that causes an unpleasant reaction in a person who has experienced some kind of trauma. Particularly sexual trauma, but the "trigger" term can easily be generalized to cover any type of trauma.
My syllabus has always carried a Trigger Warning, even before the concept had that name. In our case it's a paragraph that reminds all students that the discussion of Human Sexuality topics may stir up uncomfortable and even frightening emotions, and our class's teaching staff is available to talk about them; we also list the contact numbers of various counseling resources.
As I was listening to "On Point" yesterday I easily sympathized with every speaker's point of view. Call me wishy-washy, call me supremely empathetic. As a non-tenured professor, my job can disappear at the whim of any number of people, including disgruntled students. So I understood the professors' point of view.
As someone who believes it's wrong-headed to expect that the world will treat anyone like a delicate snowflake, I agreed with the people who opined that everyone needs to be able to expect and deal with triggers because that's life.
As a psychologist I understand some things about trauma and its aftermath, and I sympathize with people who have to endure the emotions and thoughts that flood through you when you have been triggered. Evidently I had been running short on empathy lately, because a couple of months ago I had a triggering experience that came out of far left field and blew me straight out of the water. I'm even shaking my head in disbelief as I write this.
All I'd done was drive to my favorite fabric store and open the back door as I have done many times. As the door opened, I could see that a group was assembled inside, so my immediate thought was that a class might be taking place. Before that thought was fully formed in my mind, the woman in charge of the class hurried through the door of that big front room with a gritty, Oh no, I forgot to lock the door!
Now who on this round earth could predict such a thing to be a trigger? And why was I crying all the way south down 1st Street toward home?
Obviously this ten-second encounter with a nervous sewing teacher triggered every feeling I have ever had about feeling left out, left behind, less than, not wanted, not part of the group, too late for the party, not invited to the party, too weird, too different, not smart enough, not one of us, not good enough, shouldn't be here, what's she doing here?..........
Out of absolutely nowhere.
So, listening to "On Point" yesterday, I could sympathize with the speakers who were promoting the use of trigger warnings on most if not all college material; and at the same time I sympathized deeply with the professor who wondered how in the world are we supposed to know what's going to trigger someone? I'm a psychologist and I didn't even know a frickin' sewing teacher in my favorite fabric store would trigger my own self!
Here's the thing: Nobody, not even you, can predict your triggers with 100% accuracy, so you'd better give up on the notion of the world protecting you from unpleasant floods of memory and pain. As a caller to the program pointed out, there needs to be a sign over the door as you leave the hospital to enter the world a few hours after being born: "Trigger Warning: Some Content May Be Upsetting."
As a professor, I respect the need for trigger warnings associated with the material contained in my class. Some students' triggers won't surprise me at all; when students stay home on the day sexual coercion is being taught, I understand, and if they are brave enough to e-mail me about it I'll do my best to have a conversation with them.
I might be a tiny bit surprised by something like the girl who fainted on Vagina Day, but I understand that some people aren't up to even my cartoon transparencies of sexual anatomy.
The day some students were triggered by an old favorite surprised me, I'll admit.
Many of my students through the years had enjoyed days when we split the class into "men on one side of the room, women on the other." They found it easy to have small-group discussions with people of their own sex, and it was always very lively when groups started talking and arguing across the aisle.
But some of my students that semester did not identify as either masculine or feminine, male or female, and the division was extremely upsetting to them. Kind of like my experience at the fabric store - though that resided in my unknowable future at the time of the controversy. They had the dean's office e-mail me information on gender discrimination and sexism; some were able to e-mail me directly.
I was very sad at the time that none of the students felt able to talk about the whole thing in class, but I understand that it's a pretty big room and a pretty scary topic to broach with a bunch of peers - some of whom might not have the most, um, mature responses to such a conversation.
I was also sad to let go of the "men on one side, women on the other" discussion model, especially since so many students had found it their favorite part of the course; but I did.
So even though I believe we all need to put on our grown-up pants and quit expecting the world to treat us like the special snowflakes we really are, I also believe that most of us can probably do a better job of respecting other peoples' triggers.
There's work to do on both sides. Certainly the world - including academia - can do a better job with recognizing potential triggers and setting up spaces that do the best they can to respect and care for them. But we the people can also do a better job of learning about our own triggers when we can (if I've had a near-miss with a car while I'm riding my bike, I better realize and respect the fact that car noise coming up from behind me is going to freak me out for a while).
Also, as my fabric store surprise reminded me most vividly, we can all increase our knowledge of what to do when something has triggered us. We can't always prevent huge emotional responses to things, nor would we necessarily want to, since if you shut down one set of emotions the rest of your emotions also want to close up shop (then spring up like volcanoes when you least expect it).
So what do you do when you find yourself crying all the way down South 1st?
1. Recognize that this is what's happening. In at least a tiny corner of your mind, say, Oh, this is a trigger. Holy shit. Wow. Okay, this is a real trigger for me.
2. Do not panic. Feelings about unpleasant feelings usually make things worse. It's best to go absolutely Zen and just notice that you are having big emotions. If you are driving, it's probably wise to pull over for a few minutes if you can.
3. Tell yourself, I know what this is. This is familiar. I know how to do this. You'll do a more thorough analysis of events later, after the emotions subside. For now, you are reminding yourself that you are not crazy, you have not lost your mind, and this flood of emotions is completely temporary. The part of your mind that "knows" will help you ride out the flood.
4. Remember to breathe, if you can. Seven seconds in, seven seconds out. Try to notice nothing but your breath. Seven seconds in, seven seconds out. Count. See the numbers in your mind: 1...2...3...4...5...6...7 Go slowly.
5. If you aren't driving, and can close your eyes, see if you can visualize the place in your body that is really churned up right now. Does your chest feel like a bomb has gone off? Is your stomach turning inside out? Are your palms drenched in sweat? Just notice. You will use this information later. Right now, you are simply having your emotions without fear.
6. The extension of #5 is: you want to be able to "travel" inside your body to the epicenter of unpleasant emotions. This can take practice, and it's one of those things a cognitive-behavioral practitioner (or a Zen teacher, or a yoga instructor, etc.) can help you with. It is part of the desensitization project: you are "walking around" in those emotions that have seemed so huge, so frightening, so awful that up to this point you've just wanted to run away from them.
7. Once your breath is steadied, thank your body for helping you with these huge emotions. As soon as you can, visualize the most pleasant place on earth you can imagine. Picture yourself there. Imagine yourself peaceful and happy (large bodies of salt water and a brilliant shining sun always figure in here for me). Neural reprogramming involves an active shift from horrible to most pleasant. That's how new neural pathways are formed and the power of obsessions reduced.
8. We should note that perhaps you have a prescription for an anxiety-reducer that you can use when an emotional reaction is especially bad. A low dose of medication may indeed prove very helpful. Just don't forget to do the rest of the work we're describing here, so you won't become unhelpfully dependent on medications that shield you from your honest emotions.
When you can walk around in those emotions where they are lodged in your body, you can visualize the landscape in there. That will tell you a great deal about how to work with these big floods when they happen.
For example: Say you have experienced a trigger, and you are extremely emotional and upset, crying, the whole schmear. Once you have been able to walk around your inner landscape, you can visualize it as - for example - a completely dark, completely empty space. This visualization will guide you to very specific work you can do later when you shift to the creative process.
You may draw that landscape, or paint it. Some people create shadow boxes with found objects. You may write about it - prose, poetry, music. You could go over to the piano or pick up the guitar and just play it without a single thought for how anyone actually is supposed to play the piano or guitar (play like a ten-month-old).
Whatever creative process appeals to you, try to create something to capture that bleak empty inner landscape. You are "making room" for it in your life so it won't keep trying to take over all your space.
See, all emotions really want is a voice. The process we're thinking about here is giving those emotions a voice that won't hurt you or anyone else in your world. You don't need to bust up your living room in a rage, or spend the rest of your life curled up in a ball under your bed. The creative process is slow, sometimes annoyingly slow; but it works.
Of course not everyone is going to like, understand, or even want to see what you are creating during this process. We are doing scary stuff here, turning piles of shit into works of art. Some people are too scared of their own shit to come anywhere near your recovery process. Many people will disappoint you. This must be okay, because there isn't a damned thing you can do about it.
Transforming your shit into something you actually like living with is often a lonely process. Just as no one can completely understand or predict all your triggers, no one can completely comprehend your recovery. However, lots of people can come close, and their support and encouragement can be invaluable.
Find yourself some of those people.
EDIT: Here's an article I found the day after I posted this. Looks like the "Trigger Warning" discussion will be continuing.http://www.psmag.com/navigation/health-and-behavior/hazards-ahead-problem-trigger-warnings-according-research-81946/
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